LISTENING TO OUR CHILDREN

AS PARENTS, HOW CAN WE ‘ACTIVELY’ LISTEN?

As parents, children often want to speak to us when we are in the middle of cooking a meal, texting, getting ready for the morning school run, watching our favourite TV show or attending to their siblings. Sometimes what they would like to talk about makes sense, and other times it sounds like a waste of time. And sometimes they come to us when we HONESTLY cannot give them undivided attention. In such a situation, it is important to inform your child that you will not be able to fully listen and suggest a suitable time, remembering to fulfill your promise.

What we have to remember is that when children come to us and want to express their concerns/problems or joy/excitement about something, they really want us to PAUSE and LISTEN! Listening to children improves our bond with them, teaches and encourages them to listen to us, helps them to form relationships and builds their self-esteem.

How can we ACTIVELY listen to our children?

1.Fully focus and pay undivided attention
•Block out any environmental factors that can distract you such as side conversations, television or checking your mobile phone.
•Stop all activities like washing dishes, and fully focus;
•Get closer;
•Always get at the children’s height level by either sitting or kneeling down;
•Look at the children directly and making it clear that you are interested in what the children are saying;
•Concentrate hard on what your child is saying rather than thinking about what your response will be;
•Focus on the message behind the words rather than the words themselves. The goal is to understand what your child is trying to communicate regardless of how effective or articulate he/she is in conveying the message;

2.Do not interrupt. But if your child signals for acknowledgement, then you can respond with a simple comment or question to show that you are paying attention;

3.Show that you are listening through both verbal and non-verbal messages:
•Smile, nod, raise eyebrows and use other facial expressions;
•Maintain eye contact;
•Agree with the child by using small verbal comments such as ‘yes’, ‘really’, ‘I see’, ‘right’, ‘uh-huh’ or ‘interesting’ as well as more direct prompts like ‘what did you do then’, or ‘what did he/she say’;
•Note the posture and make sure it is open and inviting;

4.Do not assume that you have heard what the child is saying many times before. Even if you did, there must be a reason why your child keeps on talking about the same thing. Find out!

5.Be patient: Sometimes it can feel like forever before children get their ‘story’ across. And because you want to hear the message sooner, maybe because of other commitments, there is the temptation to do three things:
•To try and finish sentences for the child;
•To fill in words and phrases; or
•To jump in with questions or comments.
As a parent, you should instead listen patiently and accept pauses and short periods of silence. In this way, you are allowing your child to think at his/her own pace. You are also letting your child know that he/she worth your time.