1.      BECOMING AN EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY PARENT

a.      Be aware of your emotions

We all have emotions-they are a natural part of who we are. They give us information about what we are experiencing and help us know how to react. We sense our emotions from the time we are babies. Infants react to their emotions with facial expressions or with actions like laughing, cuddling or crying. Although infants feel and show emotions, they have not yet developed the ability to name the emotion or say why they feel that way. As we grow however, we become more skilled at knowing what we are feeling and why.  That is, instead of just reacting like little children do, we can identify what we feel and put it into words. This is called emotional awareness. Being aware of our emotions can help us to stay on top of our emotions, talk about feelings more clearly, avoid or resolve conflicts better, and move past difficult feelings more easily. It also helps parents to parent calmly throughout the day.

As parents become aware of their emotions, there are six KEY things to keep in mind:

·         There are no good or bad emotions, but there are good and bad ways of expressing (or acting) on them. Learning how to manage and express emotions in acceptable ways is a skill that is built on a foundation of being able to understand emotions.

·         Do not suppress emotions. Avoiding negative feelings or pretending we do not feel the way we do can backfire. It is harder to move past difficult feelings.  Although we do not have to dwell on our emotions or constantly talk about how we feel, it helps if we recognize, respect, and accept our feelings as they happen. People, who ignore, dismiss, repress or just ventilate their emotions-fear, anxiety, frustrations and negativity- are setting themselves up for physical illness. This is because, feelings that are not ‘felt’ or ‘released’ but buried within the body, can cause chemical reactions in our bodies that are very different from the chemicals released when we feel positive emotions such as happy, content, loved, accepted. 

·         Emotional awareness comes more easily to some people than others. The good news is; it is a skill that anyone can practice.

·         Be confident that you can handle the emotion(s) and sensations that come your way. Remind yourself you are not your emotions. You are the observer of your emotions. As the choice maker of your life, you may choose, if you wish, to breathe into any painful energy, notice it shift, move, release.

Here are a few ways of becoming aware of one’s emotions

As parents, you want to be aware of what you tell yourself inside so that you direct your choices (rather than your emotions). Your ability to choose how you think about yourself allows you to regulate or choose your response to any triggering events. And when you, rather than your emotions, are in charge of what you think, you are in charge of your behaviours, and thus, have more say as to how events in your life unfold. Developing self-awareness is the first step to transforming your thoughts:

·         Understand your emotions. you need to ask yourself two questions:

ü  How I am I feeling?  

ü  How do I know what I am feeling?

Although we may falsely label such self-reflection as selfish, looking deeper into ourselves and focusing on what lights us up is truly beneficial to the spirits of our children.

·         Know the symptoms. Getting stressed is a gradual process—it does not happen overnight. It helps if parents can ‘tell’ when they are ‘slipping’ into emotional fatigue or if they are already there.  If parents become more aware of the signs, they can be in position to extinguish the flames before they evolve into a smouldering fire.

·         Make a habit of tuning in to your emotions. Emotions are feelings. To start to understand your emotions, simply notice whatever emotion you feel and name that emotion in your mind. By simply identifying exactly what you are feeling, you can begin taking the power away from the emotion as you work through what is causing it.

Though your feelings may vary in intensity, most fall into one of these broad categories:

ü  Anxiety. A strong desire or concern about something with an uncertain outcome, resulting in worrying, nervousness or unease. It often takes the shape of ‘what ifs’-what if It does not work out well?

ü  Sadness. This tends to happen when we focus on things we cannot change leading to unhappiness, sorrow, dejection, regret, depression or misery.

ü  Anger. This involves strong uncomfortable and emotional responses to a perceived provocation, hurt or threat. These usually develop in response to the unwanted actions of another person who is perceived to be disrespectful, demeaning, threatening or neglectful. Although getting angry is a completely normal, positive, healthy and useful human emotion if it is expressed appropriately. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to various problems including increased anxiety, personal relationships and the overall quality of your life.

ü  Happiness is positive or pleasant thought ranging from intense joy to contentment. It is often brought about as a result of a gain, such as a compliment from a friend or a reward like a promotion at work.

• ·         Dissect complicated emotions. Sometimes a person can feel multiple emotions all at once. It is important to disentangle these emotions from each other so you can process each one on its own. Complicated emotions may arise from feeling both primary and secondary emotions. Primary emotions are the first responses to a situation. In other words, they are instinctive responses that we have. For example threatened, we may feel fear or when someone we love dies, we feel sad. Secondary emotions are the direct or indirect emotions felt following the primary. They may also come from more complex chains of thinking.  For example fear (primary emotion) can turn into anger (secondary emotion).  It is therefore important to try and decoding your primary and secondary emotions. This helps in giving yourself a fuller picture of your mental processes.
• ·         Understand where the feelings are coming from. Take a moment and make a list of those things which are causing your stress. Also, ask yourself why you are feeling a certain way will help in getting to the root of why you are feeling that way. For example, “I feel like I am going to cry. Why? Because I am mad at my boss. Why? Because he offended me. Why? Because he does not respect me.” Keep going with the series of “why” questions until you reach the bottom line of your feelings.
• Keep a  feelings journal. Take a few minutes to write about how you are feel and why. Journaling about your experiences and feelings builds emotional awareness.
• ·         Rate how strong the feeling is. After you notice and name an emotion, take it a step further: Rate how strongly the emotion is on a scale of 1–10, with 1 being the mildest feeling and 10 the most intense.

‘HURRY UP’

THE DANGERS OF RUSHING OUR CHILDREN

The words ‘hurry up’ are more common in adults’ vocabulary than ‘I love you. Children are rushed into doing homework, eating food, dressing up, brushing teeth and the list is endless. Adults become less patient and less nurturing, and they draw children into living their lifestyle which is stressful, adrenalin filled and on-the-edge. And in adults’ attempt to ‘keep’ or ‘save’ time, two things happen:
•Children are given limited time to complete tasks; and
•Adults end up doing things for the children.

But rushing children through life affects their learning and development in many ways:

It:
•Leads to adults over-riding children’s natural inclination to do things by themselves. This as a result sabotages children’s development of emerging skills because adults do not give them time to practise such emerging skills;
•Creates a brain with a life-long tendency to anxiety;
•Increases the levels of stress hormones in children’s bodies, which contributes to crankiness, difficulty falling asleep, weight gain, and immune suppression;
•Triggers power struggles between children and adults. This results in arguing and throwing temper tantrums as children feel pushed and controlled;
•Leads to children becoming over-stimulated, resulting in them not being able to process everything coming at them. This undermines learning;
•Makes children to become accustomed to busyness and so they easily get bored;
•Keeps children from discovering and pursuing their own passions;
•Creates a chronic feeling of incompleteness (as children get accustomed to constantly feeling that they should be doing something) which robs children of the joy childhood;
•Keeps children from attending to their emotions throughout the day. And so, in the evening, they have a backpack full of emotions pressing for escape. This can trigger meltdowns and can eventually lead to addictions like food in an attempt to distract themselves from their emotional baggage; and
•Interrupts children’s curiosity to explore the world around them;

BUT INSTEAD OF RUSHING THEM, HOW CAN WE HELP THEM? 

•Break complex tasks into small manageable chunks. For example arranging clothes like in the picture below

•Set age appropriate expectations and clearly define and discuss them with your child.
•Help them manage time. For example for the young ones who cannot tell the time, use sand timers (see picture below of a sand timer). Remember young children think in concrete terms. That is, they have to see and touch in order to learn. So when you use something like a timer on your mobile phone, it will make no sense to them. 

•Praise and reward their efforts. Children thrive on adults’ approval.
•Have them do things beforehand. For example, prepare for the morning the night before.
•Provide routines and structure. These are crucial in children’s lives for many reasons, not the least of which is that it gives them repeated opportunities to manage themselves.
•Rather than simply giving orders, try asking your child to do the thinking. For example instead of shouting ‘pack your bag!’ ‘do not forget your...’ , you could ask ‘What is the next thing you need to do to get ready for school?" The goal is to keep your focused on what he/she is supposed to do morning after morning, until he/she internalizes it and begins to manage his/her own morning tasks.

BUT ABOVE ALL
NEVER LABEL YOUR CHILD AS ‘IRRESPONSIBLE’ this is because the way we see our kids is always a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, teach your child the skills he/she needs to be responsible.

LISTENING TO OUR CHILDREN

AS PARENTS, HOW CAN WE ‘ACTIVELY’ LISTEN?

As parents, children often want to speak to us when we are in the middle of cooking a meal, texting, getting ready for the morning school run, watching our favourite TV show or attending to their siblings. Sometimes what they would like to talk about makes sense, and other times it sounds like a waste of time. And sometimes they come to us when we HONESTLY cannot give them undivided attention. In such a situation, it is important to inform your child that you will not be able to fully listen and suggest a suitable time, remembering to fulfill your promise.

What we have to remember is that when children come to us and want to express their concerns/problems or joy/excitement about something, they really want us to PAUSE and LISTEN! Listening to children improves our bond with them, teaches and encourages them to listen to us, helps them to form relationships and builds their self-esteem.

How can we ACTIVELY listen to our children?

1.Fully focus and pay undivided attention
•Block out any environmental factors that can distract you such as side conversations, television or checking your mobile phone.
•Stop all activities like washing dishes, and fully focus;
•Get closer;
•Always get at the children’s height level by either sitting or kneeling down;
•Look at the children directly and making it clear that you are interested in what the children are saying;
•Concentrate hard on what your child is saying rather than thinking about what your response will be;
•Focus on the message behind the words rather than the words themselves. The goal is to understand what your child is trying to communicate regardless of how effective or articulate he/she is in conveying the message;

2.Do not interrupt. But if your child signals for acknowledgement, then you can respond with a simple comment or question to show that you are paying attention;

3.Show that you are listening through both verbal and non-verbal messages:
•Smile, nod, raise eyebrows and use other facial expressions;
•Maintain eye contact;
•Agree with the child by using small verbal comments such as ‘yes’, ‘really’, ‘I see’, ‘right’, ‘uh-huh’ or ‘interesting’ as well as more direct prompts like ‘what did you do then’, or ‘what did he/she say’;
•Note the posture and make sure it is open and inviting;

4.Do not assume that you have heard what the child is saying many times before. Even if you did, there must be a reason why your child keeps on talking about the same thing. Find out!

5.Be patient: Sometimes it can feel like forever before children get their ‘story’ across. And because you want to hear the message sooner, maybe because of other commitments, there is the temptation to do three things:
•To try and finish sentences for the child;
•To fill in words and phrases; or
•To jump in with questions or comments.
As a parent, you should instead listen patiently and accept pauses and short periods of silence. In this way, you are allowing your child to think at his/her own pace. You are also letting your child know that he/she worth your time.

COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR CHILD

THE DIFFERENCE BEING SHOUTING AND USING A FIRM VOICE

Many parents often yell at their children because they want their children to listen! But the problem is, yelling does not help kids focus on what their parents want them to do. Instead, of listening, children resort to ‘tuning out’ as a natural defense mechanism. Frequent yelling can trigger symptoms of anxiety in children and can lead to a negative cycle of communication that is difficult to break.

A firm voice on the other hand is more about elevating your voice in a controlled manner, but loud enough to communicate a message.

And if you feel like yelling at child you have been asking four times to clean his/her room, the effective way to communicate is to:

Connect before you communicate the message:
•Go to where your child is rather than talking to him/her from across the room;
•Rather than towering over your child, get to his/her level by squatting, seating next to him/her or kneeling down;
•Engage eye to eye to get your child’s attention
•Open your communication by using all your child’s names (rather than their pet name or first name-this shows them how serious you are)
•Be brief and stay on the topic. That is, only communicate what brought you to your child;
•After conveying the message, ask your child to repeat what you have just said (this helps to know that the message has been ‘received’)

PLAYING WITH YOUR CHILD


As a parent, do you ever get time to play with your child? I know life can be demanding, but it is those moments that help you bond with your child and create memories that last a lifetime. Amidst the hustle and bustle of every day life-work, cleaning the house, shopping or cooking, pause and get a few minutes with your child. Remember your child will only be a child just for a little while.


And when you decide to have play time with your child, remember to:

1. Mirror what your child is doing. for example if he/she is seated on the floor, do the same. Do not sit on the chair when your child is seated on the floor;
2. Let your child take the lead. Do not put words into your child's mouth/play. Ask him/her what he/she wants you to do-the role to play. Do not suggest your role-it is not your play, you are just an 'invited guest';
3. Do not leave before the game is over. Once you decide to get involved, COMMIT. Of course you can ask your child PERMISSION to go and check on 'the baby who is sleeping, the food on the stove so than it does not get burnt'. BUT remember to come back and see through the activity you started together;
4. Show your child that you are enjoying the time with him/her. Do not constantly look at your watch. This is your child's time not yours.

COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR CHILD

ALPHA COMMANDS VS BETA COMMANDS

Although our aim is not to act bossy to our children, sometimes it is necessary to put our feet down in order to make them comply-especially those that do have problems listening to instructions. Yes sometimes we have to COMMAND/ORDER/DIRECT/DEMAND. That is, we have to talk authoritatively.

But how can we do this effectively?

There are two major types of commands:

•Alpha commands; and

•Beta commands.

Alpha commands involve clear, direct, concrete and specific instructions to children without additional verbalizations.

Examples of alpha commands:

•‘James, put your cup away on the count of three!’

•I want you to….

•Stop talking to Jane unless you are discussing today’s assignment’

•It’s time for you to get your work done...

•‘Jane, keep your voice down’.

As well as preventing misunderstanding, alpha commands are associated with higher level of compliance.

In contrast, beta commands are vague, wordy and/or contain multiple directives. They include excess verbalizations from the person issuing the command. As a result, the child receiving the beta command is often confused.

Example of beta command

‘Jimmy sit down right now! Why don’t you behave like your sister? Don’t say anything and look straight ahead! You just won’t be obedient. Come up here and do what I have asked you to do!”

Beta commands are typically used when parents feel frustrated and angry.

'STRANGER DANGER'-TEACHING CHILDREN SAFETY SKILLS

CORRECT NAMES OF BODY PARTS

Teach the correct names for body parts using age appropriate language. Children often find it hard to report sexual abuse because they do not know the words to use. Learning correct (anatomical) words for private body parts helps children:
- Not to feel embarrassed to talk about those body parts;
-To understand what is happening should an abusive situation arise.